Thursday, August 20, 2009

Why I suck so much

Why I suck so much,

I'm a fatty. I know it, and I hate it. But I can't stop eating. Why? Why am I such a fatty who sucks?

I hate being fat, feeling fat, feeing puffy and having my jeans be too tight. I need a place to vent where others in my everyday life can't find it, so I guess I'm going to start doing it here.

I've been fat all my adult life. I was oblivious to it also. I knew I was "big" but I didn't realize I was obese. Yeah, at one point I weighed 245 lbs, when I first started Weight Watchers. And then I got pregnant 3 weeks later. I did great after my son was born, but in 2006 regained 40 lbs, and got pregnant again, and had the most stressful pregnancy, with gestational diabetes, and marital issues. I was 214 after my daughter was born, and have been trying to lose the weight ever since. I did manage to get down to 205 before the holidays last year, but let myself eat everything in site since I couldn't eat any treats the year before.

I was up again today. 222.6 That up one lb from last week. I'm up over 10 lbs from where I was this time last year, up 20 lbs from where I was in November, up 30 lbs from where I was in March of 2006, and only down 20 lbs from where I was in January of 2004.

Fuck, I've been on this weight loss rollercoster for over 5 years, and have only lost 20 fucking lbs! I hate that. What the fuck is so wrong with me that I can't fucking lose weight? Why do I start doing good, and then slide into complete and utter over eating. Why do I hate myself so much over this?

Is it me, or could this be because I'm still nursing Kaylee? Will I start losing weight when I wean my baby? But I love nursing her (except for when she wants to use me as a paci all fucking night long). I'm not sure I'm willing to give up nursing her yet, especially since she gets so much comfort out of it. I love nursing her, and if she is going to be my last child, then this really will be the end of me being a nursing mom.

But why do I identify myself so much with being a nursing mother? Why is it so important to me? Why don't I identify myself just with being a mother? Why do I focus on the fact I'm nursing so god dammed much?

But if I do wean her, will that end the constant need to shove food in my face? Or will it make me want to eat even more? So confused.

Working on night weaning her right now. Seeing if getting her to sleep thought the night will help me mentally. Not sure if it will, but it will be a start.

Need to start being more accountable for what I eat, working out, everything.

I've spent most of this week watching the youtube videos of another over eater with other eating disorders. She yo-yoed so bad, but seems like she found her path finally. Which is good. Her being a faster is not healthy, and is another form of her disorder. But her going raw. That sparked something in me. I think I'd like to go mostly raw. I know it would be healthy, but I still like my meat (Mmm steak) and everything. The down side is I'm too fucking broke to do it. I can't afford much produce right now, let alone enough to live off of most of the time. Dammit.

I'll be 34 years old this year, and still as fat as I have been for all of my adult life. I so suck!
I want to be thin by the time I am 35
I want to be in top shape by the time I am 40
I want to be a MILF when my kids are teens, even if I will be close to 50
But at the rate I'm going now, I won't be around for my kids at all.
Corwin already asks me why I'm so fat, and it breaks my heart. Yet have I done anything about it other than gain another 7 fucking lbs since he asked me? No, and I suck for it.

I'm already drinking 100 oz of water a day (at least), I drink 2 cups of coffee a day (sometimes 3, but thats all) with FF half and half and splenda. Switched from my high fat and calorie flavored creamers. Rarely drink a soda (ok, maybe 2 or 3 times a week lately) Thats close to 150 oz of liquid a day. Damn thats a lot. But I know I'm drinking enough.

My eating isn't the best. I've tried logging points, calories, you name it, and it lasts for a few days, then I go way overboard, and stop. Why is it? Is it too hard for me to keep up with everything? Why do I suck so much?

Today I have eaten:
1/2 onion bagel with cream cheese
1/2 apple danish
1 cup yogurt with granola
2 1/2 cups of coffee
35 oz of water.

Its only 11 am, and I am due to go out to lunch with my husband in an hour. I know he is going to suggest pizza buffet (have coupons for $5 a person) but pizza is one of my biggest trigger foods, and I am trying to avoid it at all cost right now.

A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

I need to keep telling myself that when I feel the need to overeat.
Last time we went to this pizza buffet, I had been doing killer with tracking everything, working out, and was starting to look and feel great.
Had a big huge plate of salad, with a little ranch and sunflower seeds on it.
Chased it down with 8, yes 8 slices of pizza! Now I'd been kicking myself in the ass thinking I ate an entire pizza, but I think I might have been mistaken on that. They do slice it a bit thinner than we do at home, so it was closer to a little over half a pizza, 3/4ers of one. Still a lot. And I felt like ass over it the next two days. I just couldn't stop eating the pizza until I felt like I was going to burst.
Have I been eating healthy since? Nope.
I have let that one night, 3 fucking weeks ago, set me off track for so long.

But I think I'm back now.
I need to do this for me!
I need to do this for my kids!
I need to do this for my husband! He deserves to have me be the thin woman I was when we met (18, size 6, ballooned up real fast). I know he has loved me at all my weights, but I want to be thin and healthy for him.

This post is the only time I'm allowing myself to beat myself up. The only time I'm allowing negative talk from me (but I know some will slip through). I need to focuse on the positive instead of the negative.
I have kept off 20 lbs for almost 5 years! Thats incredible! I could be 300 fucking lbs right now if I hadn't had made some of the right changes when I was pregnant with Corwin and after he was born.
I have let my body nourish my children for the same 5 years. Both through pregnancy and through nursing. So what if I'm not going to be able to nurse Kaylee for the 2 1/2 years I nursed her brother. She was still nursed for the first year and a half of her life, and that is a lot more than most of the other children in this country.
I've been obese for both of my pregnancies. Maybe if I can get to a healthy weight, we will feel like it is time to have a third child. Maybe weaning Kaylee isn't going to be the end of my nursing time. (Stop focusing so much on your life as a nursing mother, you are more than your breasts Cyn!)

Today is the first day of the new, healthier me. Hear me roar!

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