Thursday, August 20, 2009

Blogging from my phone

Testing to see if this works.
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52 Weeks to GO!

Steve is currently in an accelerated nursing program through Texas Woman's University. He is working on getting his BSN in a 15 month program for people who already hold a bachelors degree in any field. Until then, I'm the bread winner, but after he graduates, the plan is for me to start working part time, and to be around when our son is home from school (he starts Kindergarten the same month that Steve graduates).

I have decided to dedicate myself to losing this weight, and trying my best to reach MILF status before my son starts kindergarden, or to try my best to get as close to it as I can. I know that we won't have mony for junk food or fast food more than maybe once or twice a month, and most of what we will eat will be inexpensive, whole foods. I will start using my bread maker (the one I have had for 7 years and have used 7 times) to start making our bread at home. Mmm hot fresh bread in the evenings, and limiting the amount of meat that I eat to once a day, dinner time only. Or at least I will do to the best of my ability on our budget. But vegetarian meals for breakfast (oatmeal, cream of wheat, fruit, etc) will be cheaper than hitting fast food. Lunches will take being creative. I might allow myself canned soup with a little meat in it, but I will avoid hamburgers, meat filled subs, Chick Fil A, and all the bad options that I have near campus. Dinner most nights will be from the crockpot to save time, and to have hot meals waiting for us when we get home.

Until then, Steve has voted for pizza tonight. Here is hoping that I don't make a complete and utter pig of myself and eat half (or more!) of the pizza, again.

Why I suck so much

Why I suck so much,

I'm a fatty. I know it, and I hate it. But I can't stop eating. Why? Why am I such a fatty who sucks?

I hate being fat, feeling fat, feeing puffy and having my jeans be too tight. I need a place to vent where others in my everyday life can't find it, so I guess I'm going to start doing it here.

I've been fat all my adult life. I was oblivious to it also. I knew I was "big" but I didn't realize I was obese. Yeah, at one point I weighed 245 lbs, when I first started Weight Watchers. And then I got pregnant 3 weeks later. I did great after my son was born, but in 2006 regained 40 lbs, and got pregnant again, and had the most stressful pregnancy, with gestational diabetes, and marital issues. I was 214 after my daughter was born, and have been trying to lose the weight ever since. I did manage to get down to 205 before the holidays last year, but let myself eat everything in site since I couldn't eat any treats the year before.

I was up again today. 222.6 That up one lb from last week. I'm up over 10 lbs from where I was this time last year, up 20 lbs from where I was in November, up 30 lbs from where I was in March of 2006, and only down 20 lbs from where I was in January of 2004.

Fuck, I've been on this weight loss rollercoster for over 5 years, and have only lost 20 fucking lbs! I hate that. What the fuck is so wrong with me that I can't fucking lose weight? Why do I start doing good, and then slide into complete and utter over eating. Why do I hate myself so much over this?

Is it me, or could this be because I'm still nursing Kaylee? Will I start losing weight when I wean my baby? But I love nursing her (except for when she wants to use me as a paci all fucking night long). I'm not sure I'm willing to give up nursing her yet, especially since she gets so much comfort out of it. I love nursing her, and if she is going to be my last child, then this really will be the end of me being a nursing mom.

But why do I identify myself so much with being a nursing mother? Why is it so important to me? Why don't I identify myself just with being a mother? Why do I focus on the fact I'm nursing so god dammed much?

But if I do wean her, will that end the constant need to shove food in my face? Or will it make me want to eat even more? So confused.

Working on night weaning her right now. Seeing if getting her to sleep thought the night will help me mentally. Not sure if it will, but it will be a start.

Need to start being more accountable for what I eat, working out, everything.

I've spent most of this week watching the youtube videos of another over eater with other eating disorders. She yo-yoed so bad, but seems like she found her path finally. Which is good. Her being a faster is not healthy, and is another form of her disorder. But her going raw. That sparked something in me. I think I'd like to go mostly raw. I know it would be healthy, but I still like my meat (Mmm steak) and everything. The down side is I'm too fucking broke to do it. I can't afford much produce right now, let alone enough to live off of most of the time. Dammit.

I'll be 34 years old this year, and still as fat as I have been for all of my adult life. I so suck!
I want to be thin by the time I am 35
I want to be in top shape by the time I am 40
I want to be a MILF when my kids are teens, even if I will be close to 50
But at the rate I'm going now, I won't be around for my kids at all.
Corwin already asks me why I'm so fat, and it breaks my heart. Yet have I done anything about it other than gain another 7 fucking lbs since he asked me? No, and I suck for it.

I'm already drinking 100 oz of water a day (at least), I drink 2 cups of coffee a day (sometimes 3, but thats all) with FF half and half and splenda. Switched from my high fat and calorie flavored creamers. Rarely drink a soda (ok, maybe 2 or 3 times a week lately) Thats close to 150 oz of liquid a day. Damn thats a lot. But I know I'm drinking enough.

My eating isn't the best. I've tried logging points, calories, you name it, and it lasts for a few days, then I go way overboard, and stop. Why is it? Is it too hard for me to keep up with everything? Why do I suck so much?

Today I have eaten:
1/2 onion bagel with cream cheese
1/2 apple danish
1 cup yogurt with granola
2 1/2 cups of coffee
35 oz of water.

Its only 11 am, and I am due to go out to lunch with my husband in an hour. I know he is going to suggest pizza buffet (have coupons for $5 a person) but pizza is one of my biggest trigger foods, and I am trying to avoid it at all cost right now.

A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

I need to keep telling myself that when I feel the need to overeat.
Last time we went to this pizza buffet, I had been doing killer with tracking everything, working out, and was starting to look and feel great.
Had a big huge plate of salad, with a little ranch and sunflower seeds on it.
Chased it down with 8, yes 8 slices of pizza! Now I'd been kicking myself in the ass thinking I ate an entire pizza, but I think I might have been mistaken on that. They do slice it a bit thinner than we do at home, so it was closer to a little over half a pizza, 3/4ers of one. Still a lot. And I felt like ass over it the next two days. I just couldn't stop eating the pizza until I felt like I was going to burst.
Have I been eating healthy since? Nope.
I have let that one night, 3 fucking weeks ago, set me off track for so long.

But I think I'm back now.
I need to do this for me!
I need to do this for my kids!
I need to do this for my husband! He deserves to have me be the thin woman I was when we met (18, size 6, ballooned up real fast). I know he has loved me at all my weights, but I want to be thin and healthy for him.

This post is the only time I'm allowing myself to beat myself up. The only time I'm allowing negative talk from me (but I know some will slip through). I need to focuse on the positive instead of the negative.
I have kept off 20 lbs for almost 5 years! Thats incredible! I could be 300 fucking lbs right now if I hadn't had made some of the right changes when I was pregnant with Corwin and after he was born.
I have let my body nourish my children for the same 5 years. Both through pregnancy and through nursing. So what if I'm not going to be able to nurse Kaylee for the 2 1/2 years I nursed her brother. She was still nursed for the first year and a half of her life, and that is a lot more than most of the other children in this country.
I've been obese for both of my pregnancies. Maybe if I can get to a healthy weight, we will feel like it is time to have a third child. Maybe weaning Kaylee isn't going to be the end of my nursing time. (Stop focusing so much on your life as a nursing mother, you are more than your breasts Cyn!)

Today is the first day of the new, healthier me. Hear me roar!

Trying to post once a week

Doing good so far.

I'm still camera less, so once again, no photos.

Sunday Corwin and I dyed the yarn for his Spiderman hat and mittens. I decided to use the Calypso Heathered Knitpicks Palette I had in stash, and to over dye one skein a very dark violet for the "black", and my mom had some bare palette that Corwin and I dyed red with Kool-aid and red food coloring. The colors for both turned out beautiful, just what we were wanting, and I cast on Monday night at knit night. It was there that I found my first problem. The purple yarn was bleeding all over my hands as I was knitting, leaving purple streaks around my fingers where the yarn was tensioned and my fingers that touched the knitting. No biggie. I knew I had glvoes at home for dying hair, so I could use those for knitting. I got through the blue section of his hat before bed, and got a few rows in on the red before I noticed just how small the hat was. I called Corwin over so we could try on the hat, and it was too small! The hat was coming out to 16 inches, when my son has a head circumference of 21 inches. I'm thinking I'm just going to buy some Wool Ease and try again at a larger gauge, rather than trying to re-write the pattern, because I know the gloves would be too small for him as well.

So I've been working on Kaylee's jacket ever since, trying to get that finished so I can start and focus on Corwins set when I can get the yarn. I finished the left front on Friday night, and started on the right front Saturday. I had a few mistakes in row counts that led to 10 rows or frogging, twice!, but I finished the right front last night, and will cast on for the second sleeve at lunch today. If all goes to plan, I should have the the sweater seemed by the end of this weekend, and will only have the collar to work on. I will have enough yarn to do a matching hat, and will work on that while I'm waiting on getting the yarn to do Corwin's set.

I've decided to frog my February Lady Sweater. I just haven't been feeling the love for it. I've had it as a WIP since April, and maybe get 5 rows a week. At this rate, It will take over a year to finish the sweater. And to top it off, I think the yarn will rock as this. I only have 1100 yards of the blue dyed, so I'm waiting to see how yardage goes for others making the sweater.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Just a quick update

I don't seem to remember the blog exists half the time, and when I do remember, I don't ever have much to say.

My camera is dead, so no photos for a while, unless I want to do camera phone pics or I can convince Steve to let me use his.

Its August, and the time of the year where I start planning what I am going to knit for Corwin for his upcomming birthday. Every year, since he turned one, I have knit him a sweater for his birthday present. There was Trellis, Scoop (minus the intarsia), Childhood in a solid bright red, and last year the green hoodie with cables (that I never put the zipper in Oops). I've been scouring Ravelry for sweaters for him, had a few to show him, and he didn't want any of them.

What does he want?

Spiderman!. He is obsessed with spiderman. I think we have settled on a hat and mittens for this year, and I'm going to have my mom put a zipper in last year's hoodie. I think I might re-size the mittens for fingerling, or try my hand at designing something, so I can do everything with the same yarn, and only have to buy a a few balls from Knit Picks. I can pick up the yarn to make this for $10 from Knit Picks, which I will be doing soon.

Until then, I'm trudging along on the Smock Coat for Kaylee. This coat is nothing but Seed stitch, with a little bit of garter stitch thrown in on the hem and collar. Its good mindless knitting that takes forever. I'm having to force myself to work on it some days, but others I can't put it down. I 'm making the 2-3 year old size to fit my big girl (18 months tomorrow and has been in 24 month clothing for months), but I think I miss judged, and made it one inch too short. Trying to decided if I'm going to stress and fix it, or just deal. I have the back, one sleeve, and half of the left front done, and just have the rest of the left front, the right front, other sleeve, and collars to go. I'm only on ball 5, and if I have enough left over, I think I'm going to knit a matching tam for her to wear with it.

My February Lady Sweater has been neglected these last few months. Since I took up spinning so hard core, and have been working on gift knitting, I just don't have time for it that often. I have it next to the bed for that "I'm up, showered, dressed, and have 30 minutes before I have to get the kids ready" time, but since Steve started classes in Dallas, I've been sleeping in longer, and not having that 30 mintues of veg time to start the day with. I'm still only on the second skein of yarn, and think it will only take 4 of the 5 that I dyed for it, maybe leaving me with a skein for a hat.

I've been obsessed with looking at hats on Ravelry lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe it has to do with spinning, and hats being a good option to do for small amounts of yarn. Who knows, but I see some hat knitting in the near future. Which is odd, since in all my years knitting, I have made a grand total of one, yes one hat. Cowls would also be a good thing to knit with hand spun, and I could give those as gifts. Hm, to ponder.

On the lace frount, I have stalled out on the GoddesKnits again. I' m just not feeling the love for this shawl, and have been thinking about frogging it and using the yarn for something else. This could be due to the fact that I just knit Aeolin out of the exact same yarn, color and all, and I'm tired of this color for now. Who knows.

I've taken a break from wheel spinning for now, and have been working on finishing up my two big SIP's on spindles. I also really need to stain the wheel, and hope to do that this weekend, now that Steve has a break from class and can wrangle the kids for me a bit. But I know my dad wants to see me spin on it, and I don't really want to break it down until after I can show it off.